i have this song on repeat. it’s not the song that played 4 years ago. it’s a recent song. about sleeping through it all. appropriate. since this will be my next trick. i will be stable. i will be loving, compassionate and kind. i will be more of me every day.
4 years ago there was snow. and him, cleaning it out of my rolled up jeans. that’s the day it started. and today i’m so sad. i don’t love him anymore. it almost makes me cry. letting it go. knowing how he still feels the love that passed, washed over me and through me. it’s both scary and refreshing to let go. and i’m also just still clinging to it too. though he was by far not common’s best i ever had, it was nice to hear his experience, as he was all around/inside me the other night. he still believes his bullshit. that we were meant to be. the long haul. the fantasy he chose not to choose. lately i feel like all the people i meet from back than, my baby daddy included, stayed there, in the same place they were 4 years ago too. stunted/no growth. it kindda makes me sad. and the new people i meet get me. so interesting. i love this new interesting. and that some were relevant and right back then, but now have become meaningless in my life and context. so that’s my valentine’s message to the one i used to love. i remember there’s a lauren hill song that went something like that.. not ‘the x factor’.. something like ‘i used to love him but now i don’t.’