burn

i have this song on repeat. it’s not the song that played 4 years ago. it’s a recent song. about sleeping through it all. appropriate. since this will be my next trick. i will be stable. i will be loving, compassionate and kind. i will be more of me every day.

4 years ago there was snow. and him, cleaning it out of my rolled up jeans. that’s the day it started. and today i’m so sad. i don’t love him anymore. it almost makes me cry. letting it go. knowing how he still feels the love that passed, washed over me and through me. it’s both scary and refreshing to let go. and i’m also just still clinging to it too. though he was by far not common’s best i ever had, it was nice to hear his experience, as he was all around/inside me the other night. he still believes his bullshit. that we were meant to be. the long haul. the fantasy he chose not to choose. lately i feel like all the people i meet from back than, my baby daddy included, stayed there, in the same place they were 4 years ago too. stunted/no growth. it kindda makes me sad. and the new people i meet get me. so interesting. i love this new interesting. and that some were relevant and right back then, but now have become meaningless in my life and context. so that’s my valentine’s message to the one i used to love. i remember there’s a lauren hill song that went something like that.. not ‘the x factor’.. something like ‘i used to love him but now i don’t.’ 

now, like warsan, my alone is so fabulous i’ll only have you if being with you is sweeter than my alone. Image

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s